This Is Jennifer Lopez’s New Stage Outfit

September 22nd, 2014 // 2 Comments

Jennifer Lopez has to compete with performers half her age, or in Ariana Grande‘s case, ones that could be her (great) granddaughter. And to her credit, she’s already tackled the problem head on by making ass videos with Iggy Azalea. That’s ingenuity in it’s purest form. That said, here’s Jennifer Lopez performing in Singapore in some sort of weird lingerie outfit while straddling a fainting couch because if there’s one thing that conjures up thoughts of hot, sexy youthfulness, it’s the same furniture your Nana has in her sewing room. Do you masturbate or think about oatmeal cookies? Those two don’t belong together. (Snickerdoodles? Maybe.)

Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

Derek Jeter: ‘First, You Eat My Butthole Then You Get The Gift Basket’

September 22nd, 2014 // 10 Comments
Derek Jeter
*Bursts Into The Post*
Lance Armstrong
Did Someone Say Butthole Eating?! Read More »

One of my most favorite things I’ve learned from my all years on the site is that Derek Jeter gives women gift baskets full of Yankees memorabilia after he’s done banging them. It’s a story that not only fills me with hope, but lifts my spirits when this world doesn’t make any sense. Except now Deadspin’s reporting that there’s an additional step before the giving of the baskets, and it’s eating Derek Jeter’s asshole. Granted, everything about this seems questionable as all hell, but a. my threshold for writing about butthole eating is low, and b. I kind of need this to be true because it means at one point someone heard the words, “Thanks for eating my anus. You may now choose one pack of Topps collectible trading cards from the box on the couch.” Otherwise, why are we even alive? In the meantime, I caught some heat a few weeks back for these Kesha swimsuit pics, so I’d just like those people to know that even though I now know Minka Kelly‘s face has been inside Derek Jeter’s butthole, I still think of her as a desirable sex object to put my penis into. Don’t question my deep reservoir of human compassion ever again.

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Photo: Getty

Kate Hudson Sees Dead People

September 22nd, 2014 // 8 Comments
Muse Knows What's Up
Kate Hudson Butt Bikini
Matt Bellamy Kisses Some Ass Read More »

In an interview with a British radio show, Kate Hudson revealed she once saw a woman’s ghost which is all the excuse I need to repost these bikini photos of her ass. That other stuff I was talking about via Us Weekly:

Hudson, who appeared on the U.K. talk show alongside Wish I Was Here costar Zach Braff, claimed she once saw “a ghost of a woman with no face.”
“It is not really seeing, it is feeling a spirit,” the blonde then clarified of her apparent sixth sense. “A fifth energy. I believe in energy. I believe our brains can manifest into visual things.”

But don’t worry, Kate will tell you exactly what to do when you eventually see a ghost. And you will:

“When you see something, you are supposed to tell the energy what year it is and that they don’t belong there,” she said. “When your brain is freaking out on you, you may have to remind it. Why is being dead funny?”

Question: What happens if the ghost – I’m sorry, “energy” – died the same year that you saw it, but you still tell it what year it is anyway? What happens then? Does it say, “Uh, no shit,” and return to the ether? Or do the drugs wear off and you realize you left the kids by the pool again? Because I’m leaning towards that last one.

Photos: Splash News

Leonardo DiCaprio Rapping Is Unfortunate

September 22nd, 2014 // 4 Comments

Leonardo DiCaprio has taken special pleasure in shooing Justin Bieber away not only once, but twice this summer. Which is hilarious and awesome and why I even get up in the morning, but tends to lose its credibility when Leo himself tries to rap even though Justin Bieber has demonstrated that white people should never ever do that. Then again, sometimes to destroy your enemy, you have to become him. Let’s see where this goes.

Leonardo DiCaprio Rapping After The Jump

Ariana Grande’s Life Coach Quit

September 22nd, 2014 // 18 Comments
Bitch, You Ain't Mariah
Ariana Grande Panty Flash
Giuliana Rancic Has Some Words For Ariana Read More »

Seen here performing at The iHeart Radio Music Festival over the weekend, Ariana Grande is looking more and more like an out-of-control diva who hopes her fans fucking die because now comes word that her life coach quit months ago after getting tired of her shit. Page Six reports:

We’re told that the 21-year-old rising pop star’s life coach, who was in charge of keeping her centered and healthy, walked off the job months ago because he just couldn’t handle her attitude.
“He just couldn’t take it anymore,” says the insider. “Everything people are saying about her is true.”

And by everything that obviously includes all those times I said she’s 12 because Ariana Grande is 12. A 12-year-old is rubbing her butt on Nicki Minaj except you’re all just going to sit there going, “Yeah, but she looks like a tiny JLo though.” You’re forcing my hand here. *picks up phone* “Chris Hansen? How’d you like a new partner? — Only if take down the Lourdes Leon bikini pics? Ha! Eat a dick bucket.” *hangs up* What we’re talking about again? Oh, right, you people disgust me.

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Good Morning, Amanda Cerny, And Other News

September 22nd, 2014 // 2 Comments

- Amy Adams is probably going to win another Oscar. [Lainey Gossip]

- Don’t pay money to see Lauryn Hill. [Dlisted]

- Future Lower Back Problems means big breasts. In case that was too subtle. [theCHIVE]

- Paula Patton is winning. [Fishwrapper]

- David Bowie does a better Tilda Swinton than Tilda Swinton’s David Bowie. [The Frisky]

- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley‘s breasts will sell you Coke with Stevia in it now. [WWTDD]

- 4chan convinced idiots to microwave their iPhone 6. [Death and Taxes]

- Goddamn, Emanuela de Paula. [Popoholic]

- Alicia Keys is naked and pregnant. [tooFab]

- What’s up, Mayra Suarez? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Kelly Brook still has giant breasts. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

There Is.. Another.. Fappening

September 21st, 2014 // 44 Comments
There Is No God
Hilary Duff Legs Butt
Hilary Duff Fappening Pics Are Fake Read More »

NOTE: This is not a leaked photo of Kim Kardashian. This is the shit she gives away for free.

The last time I covered The Fappening our servers broke for two weeks, so if it’s Monday morning and there’s nothing but a crater where the site once was, avenge me. Now that that out’s of the way, apparently the FBI has not caught the hacker(s) responsible for the last glut of celebrity nudes because Saturday afternoon more hacked photos started appearing on reddit and 4chan. However, they were removed almost as quickly as they were uploaded just to give you an idea just how many lawyers are involved with this thing now. Shit, the guy who hacked Scarlett Johansson got 10 years in prison, so I’m pretty sure they’re going to bomb whoever did this because we’re talking about all the rich people now. And if you think I’m joking, here’s the list so far which just added Amber Heard barely an hour ago: More »

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.24

September 20th, 2014 // 13 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet where I hope you like jokes about Michael Bay and the Amy Winehouse statue because that’s what literally half of these are. They were your muse. Anyway, we’ve got a short gallery, but it’s probably one of the more darker, so whatever’s happening in your lives to cause that, try and prolong it so you’ll keep being funnier on the Internet. Good talk.

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