Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed which is set predominantly in Miami, because cold weather is for poor people. So while everyone from Texas to Pennsylvania got shellacked in the dick with ice this weekend, famous celebrities went to the beach for their bizarre mating rituals and to light money on fire. Please join me in slamming on them via our real mom, the Internet, for she never makes us feel guilty about how much more time we may or may not be spending at the in-laws this Christmas even though nobody set a time yet and probably won’t until the day before. Family holiday time, yay!! Anyway, here’s Patrick Dempsey making Chris Martin look like a Hell’s Angel, Hoda Kotb in a bikini because I’ve been dead inside for a long, long time, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers at Lady Gaga‘s secret show, so at least we all know who donated the cocaine sculptures.
Ok guys, no “low-hanging fruit” Farrah Abraham sex tape jokes on this one. You can do better than that,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
“But, captain, I don’t understand. If your wife claims to be a bisexual, yet wedded herself to you, then what was the purpose of even mentioning said information after the fact if not for attention itself?”
“Haha! Oh, Maria.”
Carrie Underwood had been doing so well in her quest not to be an uptight Christian bag of judgment to the point that she even supported gay marriage while her fans called her Satan’s whore. But that was before everyone hated her performance in NBC’s live production of The Sound of Music including the Von Trapp family who I didn’t know were real and very openly had their hearts set on Anne Hathaway even after all that pussy business. So here’s Carrie reverting back to natural instinct by revealing her critics are on a path to Hell:
Plain and simple: Mean people need Jesus. They will be in my prayers tonight… 1 Peter 2:1-25
Keep in mind, that 1 Peter 2:1 – 25 is not just one bible verse, but twenty-fucking-five which is apparently the amount Carrie Underwood felt everyone should read who didn’t like her pretending to be a singing nun who bangs a Nazi general. (Easy, Tila Tequila, easy…) So to help her out, here it is in its entirety, so that you might know the sinful nature of your ways and drink Jesus like breast milk if I’m reading this right: More »
Presumably after placing a bet with Gwyneth Paltrow over who can be more annoying and pretentious when it comes to food, Jay Z announced on his blog (Please be called Dawg With A Blawg. Please be called Dawg With A Blawg. Please be called Dawg With A Blawg. *checks* Jigga, wha??) that he’s going vegan for 22 days and dragging Beyonce with him. Which was of course pure folly because Beyonce will tell the pyramids to check their shit, so walking into a vegan restaurant draped in cow flesh is nothing to her. She wipes her ass with your flan. (Is flan even vegan? Please don’t tell me either way.)
The last time we saw Tila Tequila she had assumed a new form as a gun-toting libertarian filled with parenting advice and InfoWars-level conspiracy theories. Since then she’s double-downed on that last part and has evolved into a pure being of truth that has visited our dimension several times before in various different forms. (Read: Hitler. Tila Tequila was Hitler.) And if there’s one thing pure energy beings love its Facebook. They can’t get enough of the shit and piling more shit onto that shit:
I know who killed Elisa Lam. The Mysterious Video of the Girl in Elevator who ended up “mysteriously dead” at the bottom of a closed off water tank. – I believe I am the only person on this entire planet who knows what happened. I knew it the first time news of the strange video started circulating the internet weeks ago. I have just kept my mouth shut because there is a lot more to it and of course…. cases like this.. I just did not want to draw any attention to myself but I know exactly why they did it and yes it was indeed a ritualistic murder. Just like Paul Walker’s. However, for Lam’s case I have so much detail that it may blow your mind. I know it blew my mind and that’s why I was debating on weather or not I should blog about it as I did not want to have anything to do with it… except for the fact that this ritual murder was directly linked to my ritual murder last year….. So… kinda makes it hard for me to talk about.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Tickle me wee bonny testicles with your midget fingers, that’s a whole load of truth! Tell me through the magic of song.” SHALAKA-THEJEWSDIDIT-ZAM!
Tila Tequila ‘It’s Going Down’ After The Jump
In that case, she was right. We need guns. Lots and lots of guns. TO THE FORTRESS OF FREEDOMITUDE!
Video After The Jump
While performing at KIIS FM’s Jingle Ball 2013 Friday night, Selena Gomez lost her shit after dealing with sound issues and audibly yelled “What the fuck?” to an audience filled with young kids whose parents are fucking idiots which you’ll appreciate more fully when I get to Miley Cyrus. Us Weekly reports:
“Sorry, the sound isn’t working!” Gomez was heard yelled to the crowd. “Are you guys having a good night? I promise, a lot cooler people are gonna come out tonight,” Gomez continued. “Is it okay if I perform two more songs and you guys can get to it?”
But it didn’t get any better. Clearly agitated, Gomez continued to speak to the crowd hoping the issue would quickly be resolved. “I have to thank you guys so much for allowing me to be able to perform the music that I love,” Gomez said. “And I have to say that before you guys go on to the people that you care about, I really appreciate you supporting everything that I do. So this next song is the first song I had hit No. 1, and it’s called ‘Come & Get It.’”
After the song, Justin Bieber’s ex decided to leave the stage instead of finishing her set — to a crowd filled with mostly children. “She was pissed doing the next song and she said two more songs,” an eyewitness tells Us Weekly. “[She] didn’t do the last one.”
Sensing blood in the water, Ariana Grande then got onstage and basically pissed in Selena’s face because women are instinctively nurturing, I believe the myth goes. Via Hollywood Life: More »